Happy Girl

I'm watching the View and they are talking about couples getting married too young and realizing "Hey! I have to wake up to this every morning for the rest of my life!" and regretting it. I think they're crazy. I can't wait to get married. I think waking up next to Caleb everyday for the rest of my life would be great. Of course, I'm not getting married right now because I'm broke and haven't been asked, but I'm just saying. Their argument was that being with one person til you die was an unappealing thing. Maybe I'm just weird, but I love the thought of being with one person forever.



Am I weird? Or are they weird?
Is monogamy forever unappealing?

I had a wreck. This is the third wreck I've had since I started driving (that I've reported to insurance). I've been in 6 total. You could say I'm a bad driver, but that would just simple be untrue. Here is a rundown of my driving history, just to prove all the haters wrong - or right.

1. Summer of 2005, I backed into the car across the street on the way to Courtney Robertson's house. It only caused minor scratches to my car.

2. Summer of 2006, I backed into Mellisa Robertson's Four-Runner after Courtney and I had a sleepover for the youth girls. Such a tragic way to end such a great weekend. This scratched up the Four-Runner, and made a big dent down the side of my car.

3.November of 2006 was "THE BIG ONE". I was driving to Children's Hospital to volunteer with 3 of my girl friends. I was in the wrong lane, and I needed to turn, so I looked behind me, saw no cars, and headed into the turning lane when a vehicle going about 65 in a 35 plowed into the drivers side of my car, and proceeded to push me across the street, up on the side walk, knocking over the "walk/don't walk" sign, and into the building. I need to add that this building was a used car dealer. The cars that were sold there included BMW, Lexus, Mercedes, etc. I was about 2 feet away from hitting a car. This wreck totalled my first car and caused me to have constant ringing in my ears (silly side air bags). =[

4.December 11, 2008, I was driving around the parking lot at school and this girl in a PT Cruiser started backing out, I honked my horn, which apparently means "Stomp the gas" in her language, which is exactly what she did as she continued to back the heck into my car. Now my car makes this nice POP!-ing noise when you open the door.


The other two were not in my car.
5. May 2003. Fender bender in my mom's car on the way to mine and Austin's 14th and 15th Birthday Party.

6. July 2005. Eighteen wheeler hit Terri Wright's car with Randy, pushed us across the interstate and should have killed us, but God said - "Nuh-uh."

But as it was brought to my attention Thursday by Billy Kinnaird, "At least there are no lions". That really puts things into perspective. I may not have a car, but at least there are no lions.

I had a wreck today. That makes wreck number 3. I'll make a more in depth blog about this later, but let's just say... I've had a really suck-tastic day.

More to come. =]

FUNNY: Caleb just sent me a text message that said, and I quote: ":-) I am really pissed" LOL! I don't know why he is upset, but I just thought that the smiley face was super comical. =]

QUESTION: Why don't I have a title to my blog posts anymore? I've been messing with the layout and stuff, so I probably messed something up on accident. I'm not exactly an html expert. This bothers me and I need to eradicate it, so if you have any knowledge of why this happened, HELP! =]

CHEMISTRY UPDATE: I took the exam, and I'm not sure how good I did. Right now, I'm just praying that God has mercy on me and that I made extremely good guesses. I have to have a C for the course to take the sequence class, which I have already signed up for. I would be super sad if I made a D. It would screw up everything. My grades have been REALLY good this year. Like, ridiculously good. Chemistry is the only class that's got me worried so far. So prayers would be appreciated. =]

JOSEPH: He will be in Atlanta this weekend, so I can talk about him without him knowing it. Joseph is the youth minister at my church, the father to two of my favorite youngsters, the husband to one of my best friends (might as well be my big sister), and pretty much a big brother to me (that's why we punch each other so much and call each other "turd" or "jerk"). But as much as I love to aggravate him, he has a HUGE heart. He genuinely cares about the kids he ministers to and he wants them to experience God in the way he has. That being said, the kids in our youth group aren't exactly your conventional church kids. We have a wide array of teenagers, with a lot of different interests, styles, beliefs, and friends. This is AMAZING! Most churches our size can't boast such diversity. But with these differences, also comes problems. I'm sure going into this Joseph knew there would be drama between people or "he said"-"she said" stuff because I mean, their teenagers (Let me pause. I know I do this too sometimes, but I'm a teenager for 6 more months, so I'm just getting it out of my system.) Joseph has to deal with a lot of difficult challenges in his group and sometimes I just don't know how he does it. I would go nuts. Joseph is ministering to, not only drama and quarrels, but to homosexuality, depression, atheism, fornication, drug-use, alcohol-use, disrespect, little self respect, suicide attempts, etc. All in a group of 12-18 year olds! Every week new people are added to our number giving us more people to minister to. Joseph is such a great leader. He has been relentlessly pursuing God's heart and getting others to do the same for a few years now and I think this is probably the biggest job he has ever had. He is doing a GREAT job, but this isn't all his responsibility. We have been put in the paths of these kids for a purpose, and it's clearer to me now than it ever has been that they need us. We have what they are looking for. They are in a place where they are surrounded by people who possess it, but for whatever reason, don't give it to them. None of us are strangers to these problems. We may not have faced them quite as early, but we have all been confronted with them at one time or another. We all have so much wisdom and so much love that we are keeping to ourself when there are people around us every Wednesday night that are crying out for it. I think I lost track of the point of this section, but the point is to help Joseph out. Just because he is the leader doesn't mean he is the ONLY leader. =]

WEIRD: I just said a lot of nice things about Joseph. I better publish this post before I change my mind and erase all of it! =]

Chemistry Exam today!
10:45am

PRAY HARD!
I studied, but for some reason my brain has a grudge against Chemistry and doesn't seem to want to listen! :(

I need a B or higher!!!!!!

Is EVERYONE getting pregnant now? Is that the new cool thing to do? It seems like so many girls that I know are getting pregnant at a young age. Do you REALLY want to have a baby at 18 or 19 years old? Really? My mother had a baby at 19, but she got married at 18, wasn't in college, and both her and her husband had good jobs. They did it the right way. Do you really want to have a baby when your boyfriend isn't even that committed to you, when you don't have a job, when you live with your parents, and you aren't in school? I understand that accidents happen, but this is SO easily avoidable. There are many, MANY ways to keep these things at bay that it just doesn't make sense. The reason it bothers me so much is because in a year, there will be a lot of precious babies that are being raised by their 40 year old grandparents, have been aborted, or are being neglected because their mother and father were too irresponsible to use protection. I've seen many girls have a baby at a young age and then leave the baby with their mother while they go out partying. It's ridiculous and it makes me sad.

Thank you for letting me vent. ;)

I bet you never knew that I've always wanted a White Ford F-450 Extended cab.
It's true.

With exams knocking down my door, I don't really have time to write a long, meaningful blog. So I just thought I'd tell you something random that you probably didn't know about me until I have time to write more.

Oh yeah, and I saw Justin Bobby at school today. Such a pretty man!!!

I've been plagued my whole life with a mouth that doesn't know when to quit. I say too much very often and it's usually at the expense of ticking someone off. Most of my closer friends and family are used to it and overlook it, but then there are those people that aren't so used to it. My mouth doesn't discriminate between the two.

I also find it very hard to let people dislike me. I want to be cool with everyone, so when I tick someone off, I usually try to reconcile the situation. I understand not everyone is going to like me, but I do try to apologize as soon as I get my senses about me and I truly mean it. If the person refuses to forgive me, I usually take it personally and I feel like I have to try harder to make it better. This rarely works.

I've found myself in this situation today. By my past actions, words and attitudes, I've given someone a terrible view of who I am and there seems to be nothing I can do to change it. My heart hurts when I think about it because I realize that it's no one's fault but my own. I didn't handle things right in the past and I caused someone to hate me. That's not a good feeling.

And when I apologize, of course, it doesn't mean anything because in their eyes I'm a selfish, liar, hypocrite, etc. I've tried to talk it out. I've tried to be understanding. I've tried everything. I've handled it the way I think God would want me to handle it. The other person still refuses to forgive me, hates me and holds a grudge against me.

It's not in my hands anymore. My heart is right with God in this situation. I can't control what the other person does or thinks. I've done all I can do to try to live in peace with them and it's between them and God now. I can't change someone's heart, only God can. I'm not going to try anymore. I'm considering myself out of the situation. I can't worry myself about it until they forgive me, because that may never happen. God is bigger than this and only He can fix it.

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."
Romans 12:18

:)

And I'd be completely content to never hear anyone else's political opinion ever again.
I refuse to give my opinion and I hate hearing others opinions. Is that bad?
I just don't care. It's an opinion. I trust God to do what He wants no matter who's in charge, so I don't see the point in publicly endorsing one candidate over the other. God used a lot of random guys to be kings and used them to His purpose.

I'm grateful to have the freedom of speech - Yes.
I fully support petitioning the government - Yes.
I fully support letting the government hear your voice - Yes.
I care about your opinion - NO!

I can't do anything about whatever stand you have on whatever issue and I'm not changing my mind, so why would I want to know?

PLEASE form any political opinion you please. I don't care who you vote for or what you believe in, just keep it to yourselves.

You have the freedom to let your voice be heard by voting... so VOTE.
Don't tell everyone on facebook who you are voting for.

I guess my main annoyance is republicans being "scared" of having Obama as President, or being upset that McCain isn't winning. But most of the people saying these things are Christians, and isn't our God Sovereign? We seem to think all hell (excuse my language) is going to break loose if a Democrat gets office. But I mean, He's been making the world go round for millions of years... I think He's got this one little silly election in the bag, guys.

The world isn't going to end. The nation isn't going to fall apart. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. All we need to do is worry about ourselves and living out our beliefs in a nation that may or may not have policies based on them.

God can use Obama just as much as McCain.
But that's my opinion and I said I refused to give it. Sorry.
...Sorry. Pet peeve.

I stole this from my friend Heather, who stole it from someone else. I think it's the perfect conclusion to a possibly faulty post. Jesus is our only hope. No man or government can bring us hope. Only the Lamb of God.

I am now the proud owner these lovely, nature friendly bags. I love being green. I feel better about my existence when I do things that are better for the environment. It's kind of like working out, or eating healthy, or reading, instead of sitting on the couch watching Family Guy and eating chips every night. I guess it's a feeling of accomplishment; that I, too, can help save the planet. I think that should probably be one of my main focuses. I mean, humans kind of depend on this planet, right? We act like we're autonomous, like we can function separately from the earth. But guess what? There's a reason we haven't found humans on other planets. I'm scared that we will just keep seeing nature as a resource to take advantage of and use to gain wealth and forget what it's here for.

And the LORD God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. Genesis 2:9

Nature is a glimpse at the beauty of God. It's here for His glory. So we will see some beautiful scene in nature and give glory and praise to God. It's also for surviving. If you cut down a tree, plant another one. We need food more than a wooden privacy fence or a roll of paper towels.

Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory. Isaiah 6:3

Every time the words "glory" and "earth" were in the same verse before this, it was saying "May Your glory fill the whole earth". This has to mean that God's glory is not only so huge that it will fill up the whole earth and then some, but it also means that God created everything in the earth in reflection of His glory.

Caleb calls me a tree-hugger, and I'm okay with that. I love nature and I'd live in complete harmony with it if I could. But for now, I'll just let my inner-hippie get on her soap box once in a while.

Saturday marked the 5 month-a-versary of my relationship with this lovely fellow pictured at your left.


I would write a big long mushy blog about how much I love him, but that kind of stuff isn't my forte.


So just know that I love him a lot.


=]

One of the reasons I love Birmingham:

I drive around aimlessly a lot. It's just been one of my favorite pastimes since I started driving. I may have a few destinations, but for the most part, I'll just drive, look around, find new things and places, and just sightsee in the city I've lived in my whole life. There are so many things in and around Birmingham that I never knew were there, so I like to go explore them. Well, most of the time I do this, I get lost, but the good thing is, in Birmingham, you can always find your way back to a road you know. Caleb and I got lost in Southside or Mt. Brook, I'm not exactly sure because I was lost.

But my north star, my compass is this lovely man . . .





So if you're ever lost, look to man with the iron butt and he will guide you home.

"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."Luke 12:32-34

This week I will be cleaning out, picking through, and sorting all of my possessions. Since I don't have a job and I live with my parents, it's hard to determine what I actually possess, if anything, so I'm claiming anything that stays in my room or bathroom for longer than a week as mine (i.e. bedding, jewelry, clothing, knick-knacks, shoes-OH the shoes!, electronics, etc.) I'm doing this little task while praying for God to show me what I can't live without and what I can live without. It's just the beginning of this project and I already know that there are very few items that will be in the "Can't live without" category.

I'm learning that my life has nothing to do with me, what I want, what I need, or what makes me happy or content. I've known this fact for quite a while. I grew up in a household that gave me whatever I needed or wanted whenever I wanted it. I was pretty spoiled as a young'un and I'm thankful for the things I was given, no matter how wasteful. As I've gotten older though, my attitude has changed from what I can get to what I can give. But my attitude and my actions rarely matched. Is willingness to do good enough to please God? Does being willing to "sell everything and give to the poor" really make me qualified to be a disciple? Or is God calling me to something deeper than just comfortable, lavish willingness?

"Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." James 2:15-17

This post is a request for accountability. This isn't meant to be boastful in any way. This is strictly to remind myself of my commitment, to let a few friends know and be praying, and maybe inspire a few to do the same. I'm good at talking myself out of things, so I need the accountability.

Goals for Oct. 20-25:
1. Sell as much as possible to Plato's Closet. Use 10% of the money earned to tithe and give the rest to local charities. (www.platoscloset.com)
2. Give the remainder of the clothing and shoes to Jimmie Hale Mission and Jessie's Place. (www.jimmiehalemission.com)
3. Give electronics to the Salvation Army. (www.birminghamsalvationarmy.org)
4. Give canned foods to Community Kitchens of Birmingham. (www.thecommunitykitchens.org)
5. Pray this prayer every day. *I stole this prayer from David (Psalms 86).

LORD,
Hear and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am devoted to You. You are my God. Save Your servant who trusts in You. Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to You all day long. Bring joy to Your servant, for to You, O Lord, I lift up my soul. You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to You. Hear my prayer, O LORD. Listen to my cry for mercy. In the day of my trouble I will call to You, for You will answer me. All the nations You have made will come and worship before You, O Lord. They will bring glory to our name. For You are great and do marvelous deeds. You alone are God. Teach me Your way, O LORD, and I will walk in Your truth. Give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name. I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart. I will glorify Your name forever. For great is Your love toward me. You have delivered me from the depths of the grave. You, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
Among the gods there is none like You, O Lord. No deeds can compare with Yours.

When we were kids, we all, at some point, laid down in the grass, stared at the sky and let our imaginations run wild. Today I found myself with two hours to spare at school, so instead of studying like an astute young lady, I got myself a double cheeseburger and chilled in my car. I cherish days when I have (or make) time to do that. It never fails to give me time to think and process and I always come out of my car happier than when I got in. Today was no different. I put in a good CD (Hillsong), laid my seat back, and stared into the sky through my windshield . . .

"Keep your eyes on the road", they say, but how in the world can I keep my eyes on the road when I'm constantly surrounded with beauty beyond compare? Have you ever just stared into the sky? Or even just looked around while you're driving? The brilliant colors and textures and contrast and complexity of it all. DiVinci who? We spend ridiculous amounts of money and time contemplating works that will never compare to the masterpiece we so take for granted and walk on day after day. If it's this beautiful after we've so polluted and dirtied it up, I can't even imagine how breath-taking it must have been at the very second it was formed.

My mind cleared and all my thoughts became centered on this huge blue mass. As I laid there, the clouds moved, changing shape and form only to reveal more beauty for my eyes to behold. The longer I stared, the more God I saw in every inch of everything. Even the most random ordinary things became coveted spectacles to me, but I was most encompassed by the blues and whites and grays of the sky. Try as I might, my imagination was failing me and I was disappointed. All the clouds just looked like clouds. I couldn't make anything fantastic of the shapes. I finally gave up and closed my eyes to rest a bit, though it was hard to keep them that way knowing what I was missing out on . . .

"God delights in revealing Himself to those who will seek Him with all their hearts." In the book "Captivating", the author (Stasi and John Eldredge) tells a story about how her husband had gone away to have some quiet time with God on the beach when he saw this huge whale gracefully careening through the water. He knew, at that moment, that the whale was God's gift specifically to him. God knew that he needed a something manly, something that would catch his attention and that's what he got. God planned and designed the moment and it was perfectly executed as an illustration of His love. "All of this is yours, my love".

Not much resting had been done when I opened my eyes. Most of the time was spent pondering the songs that were playing or thinking about school work. But much to my surprise, when I did open my eyes, something stunning appeared before me. I KNEW beyond any doubt that it was for me, designed by my Father to demonstrate His faithful love for me . . .

"I see the King of glory
coming on the clouds with fire."

If you've known me for any period of time, you know I love horses. Most people want a fancy new car with fancy gadgets... give me a horse and bale of hay and I'll be happy! I just adore the creature. I think they are one of the most beautiful animals created. Well, God knows my love for them too. (See picture) I was kissed right on the cheek by the lips of the living God. He not only showed me His love, but it was His way of saying "Hello love. I'm still up there. I'm going to mold some clouds into your favorite animal. Maybe you wont be too busy or preoccupied looking in the mirror to look up."

I've found myself listening to that particular Hillsong CD and reminiscing about the first time I heard that song, or missing the people that were in my life then and how close to God I was, thinking somehow that these people had an effect on how often or how intently I sought after God. This cloud, and circumstances, revealed to me a certain truth that I had long forgotten: God is still there, whether the friends are or not. He is in the same place I left Him. That means that no matter who I find in my company, if I'm truly, earnestly looking for Him, God will be found in any and all situations.

Acts 2:42-47

"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."

What happened to this?
I'd go to a church like this... even S.S. :)

"Jesus, the One we are singing to, is the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End, the First and the Last (Revelation 22:13). He is the Final Amen (Revelation 22:21). He is the Bread of Life (John 6:48). He is the Chief Cornerstone (Ephesians 2:20), Christ our Creator. He is our Deliverer (Romans 25:26). He is our Everlasting Father (Isaiah 6:9). He is God (Jn. 10:30). He is the Good Shepherd (Jn. 10:14), the Great Shepherd (Hebrews 13:20), the Great High Priest (Hebrews 4:14), the Holy One (Luke 1:35), the Hope of Glory (Colossians 1:27). He is the Great I am (Exodus 3:14). He is the Image of the Invisible God (Colossians 1:15), the Judge of the Living and the Dead (Acts 10:42). He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords (Rev. 17:14). He is Majestic and Mighty and no one compares to Him (Jeremiah 10:6). He is the Only Begotten Son (Jn. 3:16) to the Father Full of Grace and Truth (Jn. 1:14). He is the Power of God (1 Cor. 1:24). He is the Resurrection and the Life (Jn. 11:25). He is the Supreme Sacrifice (1 Jn. 2:2), the Way, the Truth, and the Life (Jn. 14:6), the Very Word of God Made Flesh (Jn. 1:14).
Jesus is all of these things, but we have reduced Him to a poor, puny Savior who is just begging for you to accept Him. Accept Him? As if Jesus needed to be accepted by you (Acts 17:25)? Jesus doesn't need your acceptance. He is Infinitely Worthy of all Glory in all the Universe (Rev. 4:11). At this moment, there are multitudes of creatures surrounding Him-one of whom whose beauty, if it were in this room, would startle us all (Rev. 7:9-12)-and they are all doing His bidding and singing His praises (Psalms 103:20). He does not need your songs. He doesn't need your prayers, your church attendance or your bible study. He doesn't need you at all. You need Him. You are desperately in need of Him (Psalms 142:6). You need Him for every breath you breathe (Acts 17:25). Every person in this room. The only reason your heart is beating at this moment is because Jesus Himself is giving it rhythm. Where did we get the idea that Jesus needed us to accept Him?

I am convinced that multitudes of professing Christians have been sold a lie when it comes to their Eternal Destinies. In our contemporary efforts to spread the Gospel to as many people as possible, I believe we have so maligned and manipulated and misrepresented the very Gospel we have wished to spread. We have formulated the Gospel as a "plan of Salvation" and forgotten the Gospel as the Power of God for Salvation (Romans 1:6). We have paired it down to the minimalist picture, smallest picture, and it gets smaller and smaller and smaller, into a shrink-wrapped presentation, that if one delivers it and gets someone to say the right things back to them, and even pray the right things back to them, then we pronounce them Saved and move on. And multitudes of professing Christians have been told that as long as they prayed that prayer or walked down that aisle or signed that card that their Salvation is complete (Philippians 2:12). The result is a host of professing Christians, including many people in this room, that think they are eternally Saved from their Sins when the reality is, they are not. The reason is because we have taken the Gospel, the very Life Blood (Jn. 6:53), out of Christianity and we've put Koolaid in its place.

What haunts me as a pastor, what keeps me awake many nights, is the thought, the idea, that sitting in front of me Sunday after Sunday, not just sitting in front of me, I, myself, could one day stand before Jesus and have Him look at me, or multitudes of you, and say "I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers (Matt. 7:23)." Do you think Jesus could say that to you?"

-David Platt

"then the time came when the risk it took
to remain tight in a bud was more painful
than the risk it took to blossom"
-Anais Nin

... I heard that.

I think it's weird when people only acknowledge God when good things happen to them. I don't know. Maybe I'm silly. But it just seems contrary to the whole "christian" thing... right? Only bringing attention to your love for God when God bestows good things on you? Or better yet, only bringing attention to God's love for you when God bestows good things on you. Either way, it just seems a little odd to me. Why don't we follow Him daily and acknowledge Him daily instead of acknowledging Him and following Him when we feel especially good about ourselves or life?

It just doesn't reflect what it means to me to follow God if you don't acknowledge Him in the good times, bad times, boring times, times when your walk with God is completely stagnant, times when you don't know, times when you don't care, times when you need, times when you want, times when you hurt, times when you're just surviving.

Acknowledge and take to heart this day that the LORD is God in heaven above and on the earth below. There is no other.
Deutoronomy 4:39

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

I found out today from my psych professora that I, indeed, have hypnogogic hallucinations. "What the heck is that?", you might ask.

In sleep, there are different stages. One of these stages is REM. It is the deepest, most restful part of sleep. During REM your brain sends out a chemical to paralyze you temporarily so you wont harm yourself during the night (That brain's a smart one!).

Occasionally, while I'm sleeping, I'll wake up into what seems like a dream, but my eyes are open. I'm fully aware of my surroundings but I'm rendered completely immobile. I can't move anything but my eyes. It has a dream like feeling and sometimes it's black and white but what I see is complete reality. The hallucination part comes in when a dream aspect comes into play with reality. I've noticed mine are usually about bugs.

Example #1
It was in the early morning. I opened my eyes to see a mosquito net overhead with tons of crazy, bug, scary bugs on the outside of it. I couldn't scream or anything, but in my peripheral I saw My friend Mallory. After a few minutes in this "dream", "dream" me fell asleep and when I woke up, I was fine.

Example #2
One night, I went to sleep on my side with my unoccupied pillow in my field of vision. I starting having, what I thought was a dream. I can't move. I open my eyes and on the pillow next to me I see hundreds and hundreds of huge, ugly spiders crawling all over it. I'm laying there, completely unable to move, but trying desperately to move my arms or to sit up and get away. At the time of this "dream", I had had about 5 of these occurrences and I realized what was happening. I didn't panic, I just tried to go back to sleep.

I've had these for quite a while and I have at least two or three a month, but I never knew what it was until now. Hopefully it wont cause me any trouble. It's just extremely creepy.



PS- My cat left gaping slices on my leg yesterday. :(
PS#2- I'm moving.

I'm not sure exactly how I got here. Where is here? Here is a place of complete uncertainty, instability, loneliness, and pain. There are very few moments during the day that my chest/heart/spirit doesn't ache. All I can do is cling to God's faithfulness, really. He is faithful and I know that, deep down. I know He ALWAYS pulls through and I'm going to be okay.

I'm also really sorry for anyone that has been the object of my irrationality lately. I can't be held accountable for anything I say or do the past few days, and probably for the next week or two. I'm completely emotionally unstable right now, so forgive me please! I just feel like at any moment something could happen, that to any other person would be completely trivial, but would cause me to cry. I don't really know what to do anymore.

Yes I do. I'm such a dork. I know what to do. It's just doing it that I'm having a problem with.

Oh yeah, and I'm getting good at making a complete fool out of myself. No more talking for me.

I found it very interesting that on ABC FAMILY channel, a channel that promotes how family friendly it is and how it's every age appropriate, during a commercial for the movie "The Notebook" my delicate little ears heard a harsh word whose initials are "g" and "d" - the words, uncensored and plain as day. Yet on MTV, a channel that is not known for it's appropriateness or it's moral convictions, on a show recapping the TV series "The Hills", this guy doing commentary censored himself by saying "A-hole" - just the letter "a" and the word "hole". HOWEVER, the censors at MTV found it necessary to bleep out the word "hole".

My question: Why is it necessary to keep my delicate ears from hearing the word "hole"? When did "hole" become a dirty word? And more important, when did "g-d" become a family friendly word appropriate for all ages?

I can't be the only person concerned with this.